I told someone I was

illiterate today. She laughed for a few seconds then stopped and gave me the "OMG, I am sorry" look. Then I told her I graduated college without learning to read but I don't think she believed me.

It's 60 degrees in my apartment

right now because I am on strike against using my heater. Fortunately I am wearing my puppy dog slippers so my feet are warm.

I finally have a day off tomorrow

after working 15 days straight. I have no idea what I am going to do. I was thinking about driving on back roads up to Cleveland at high rates of speed but it is supposed to rain. Maybe I'll run 6 miles (I love running in the rain) then go to a movie by myself. I should clean my apartment but who wants to clean after working for 15 straight days? My back would hate me even more.

I just found out there is a ski

resort in California that still has snow. How awesome is that?

I had a dream the other night

about a guinea pig named Tampon. It was pretty weird. I told my friend and I think it scared him.

I would like to send a special thanks to my idoit

landlord for painting my windows shut. I nearly got a hernia trying to open them. Now I am sitting here sweating in my boxers. Sorry you had to read about me in my boxers.

Why do car manufacturers

even bother making cars with light colored interior? Your just going to spill stuff on it anyway. Kind of like white shoes. They look good for about a day and *splash* you stepped in a puddle.

There needs to be a universal

sign for "too much information." Just a little gesture that you can give to someone when they are giving you their life story and you really don't have the time. Nothing offensive, just a little something to let them know.

I want to invent a game show

called "You Suck At Life." I haven't worked out any of the details yet but I think it would be a pretty good show.

A lady told me that

if you have a glazed birdbath that is too deep, birds could drown in it. I have never seen a bird drown in a birdbath. I told her that. She gave me a mean look. The end.

I am convinced that watching stupid

movies makes you stupid. I watched one tonight and I laughed my socks off. It wasn't even that funny but I couldn't stop laughing. My IQ might be negative now.

Why do people that work at

credit card companies sound like machines on the phone? I mean, come on, I spend 30 minutes on hold to talk to a representative and they always act unemotional and boring. They should be like; "Congratulations! You're not on hold anymore! I am going to get these fraudulent charges on your card figured out and you'll be all set. How's the weather in Ohio? Good? Well, you're all set. Have a great night!" That would be so much better. Maybe if I didn't call them up at 11:00pm at night they would be more chipper.

I was walking around the indoor track

at the gym today when I saw a kid opening the lockers. There are two entire walls of lockers and the kid, who looked like he was 8 or 9, was going through every one. When he found one with stuff in it he would pull out all the stuff, look at it or in it and put it all back in the locker. He would come to a lock and try to figure out how to unlock it, fail, and move on to the next locker. I wasn't really happy about him doing this because my stuff was in one of the lockers and I didn't want some weird kid rifling through my backpack. I thought about telling him to stop but I was curious how long he would do it or if he would open my locker. I don't know what I would have said to him if he had opened my locker but still, I was curious. Finally, he must have gotten bored because he left the track area and went up to the front desk. I thought he was gone until he came back with a GIANT PAIR OF SCISSORS! He went back to opening the lockers and it looked like he was cutting the stuff in them. I don't know if he was or not because he would see me coming and stop but it looked like he was cutting something with the locker door open. Then he went to a locked locker and tried to open the lock with the scissors. The more I watched him the more I realized this kid wasn't quite right. I kept staring at him and I think it finally freaked him out because he took his scissors and left the area. What is wrong with the world today? What kind of parent leaves their "not quite right" kid alone at a fitness center to open lockers? And who gives this same kid A GIANT PAIR OF SCISSORS!!??!! Of course, he had to leave just as I was getting ready to go the the front desk and tell them about it. I think I am going to go out and buy a scissor proof lock (preferably one that shocks kids that are "not quite right.")

I ran a 5k event today

and almost puked on a dog. I thought I did pretty well until I saw that a 62 year old man beat me by 2 minutes. I hope I am in that good of shape when I am 62 so I can impress some 26 year old kid.

My mom decided to take some pictures

of my sister and I tonight. I looked at the pictures she took and my head looks huge. I asked if my head was really that big and she said yes. Now I am all self conscious. Thanks mom.

I guess I am going to run

a 5K event thing this weekend. It takes place at 9:30am, which is way to early for me to be running. I am so going to hurl.

I must have mistaken my cheek

for my sandwich today, because I bit the heck out of it. It has been bugging me all day and I keep biting it. Someone asked me if I wanted them to stomp on my foot so I would forget about my cheek and I said no. Then my cheek would hurt and my food would hurt and my day would be really bad instead of just bad. I thanked them for the offer though.

I posted our commercial

on YouTube so everyone can see it. I would say the best part is my car at the beginning. The rest of it is just filler. you can watch it at http://youtube.com/watch?v=USSUlR9dBfo . I'll post it on the website if I ever get around to it.

You know how cars have that

warning on the mirror, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear?" Buffets should have one that says, "food under sneeze guard is less appetizing than it appears."

A guy came in today

wearing a hat and shirt that had a train company on it. I asked him if he drove his train to get here today. He laughed and said no. If I had a train I would drive it. Just think about it, you couldn't get lost. Plus you could tell people you were an engineer and they would think you were smart a knew a lot of math.

I accidentally stabbed my finger

with a screwdriver. It hurts like crazy. I really don't recommend doing it.

My back has been bothering

me all day. It was very achy and annoying. Then I went to karate class and I got thrown onto my back. Something popped in there and now it feels great!! Who would have thought?

A guy I know at the gym

saw me showing my girlfriend how to work the hip adduction machine. It is the most girlie machine on the planet. I might get made fun of for the rest of my life.