New Year

Every time I get used to writing the year correctly it goes and changes again. Now I am going to be writing '06 or six months or so and people are going to think I am strange when I ask them what year it is. 

Eidooh

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to put a hoodie on backwards? It's dark and awkward.

Driving Instruction.

If you are in the left lane and you notice that cars are continually passing you in the right hand lane, please, get over.

Sneeze.

I guess sneezing into your arm is the newest way to sneeze according to an employee. I am told that it is less "disgusting." I don't know about you but I can wash my hands a lot easier than washing my sleeve. I definitely think sneezing on your hand is more sanitary and less disgusting than the sleeve thing. Plus, I can imagine that sleeve sneezing would lead to an unsightly sleeve after a full day of allergies.

No Christmas Music!

We are finally done listening to Christmas music here so I can regain some of my sanity. If I heard the "hippopotamus" song one more time I may have pulled out my hair. That is the most annoying song ever. That and "Santa Baby."

Speedo

My loving girlfriend decided to get me a speedo for Christmas  as a joke. I ended up opening it in front of my Mom's entire side of the family.  After much prodding I tried it on over my jeans and I think I almost killed my Grandpa by making him laugh too hard. Also, I recently found out that I don't like canoli. I hope you had a good Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

There really is something funny about a santa hat that sticks straight up. Several people laughed at me today for doing that. At least I assume they were laughing at my hat.

 

Who Moved The Deer?

There are some lighted deer on my parents street that someone moved into provocative positions. It looks like something I might have done, but I am not saying it was me. Of course, I am not saying it wasn't me either.

Ribbons

I tried to put ribbons around some presents yesterday. I found out that it is a lot more difficult than I thought. Maybe if I draw on ribbons it would work better. I wish I could draw.

Words of Wisdom.

When you buy trash bags, you are actually paying for trash.

Wrapping Paper Revolution.

At what point do people stop shredding wrapping paper to get at the gift inside and start carefully unwrapping their gifts? I am going to start a revolution and start tearing wrapping paper again. Are you with me!!?!!

I Saw Three Ships?

Have you ever listened to the words to the song "I Saw Three Ships?" Whoever wrote it somehow managed to combine Columbus day and Christmas. I had no idea you could do that.

Low Rider

Low rider urinals anger me. Do you know how difficult that is for tall people?

Happy Birthday.

I have a sister that turned 21 today. If you see her at a bar, buy her a drink. On my 21st birthday, I ate an ostrich. It was good.   

Soft Drink Tax

I don't know who got the great idea to tax soft drinks but I think it is the dumbest idea on the planet. I think that person should go into a store to buy a bottle of iced tea for $1.99 with only $2.00 in their pocket right after someone used all the change from the penny dish and see how they like it.

My Fish

I have a pet fish named Oscar. Everyone that sees him says he is "big and ugly." I don't think he is big and ugly, I just think he is misunderstood. Like being a big fish in a small pond. He keeps trying to get out of his tank though, so perhaps they should add "dumb" to the list. I hope he never dies because he won't fit down the toilet (pretend you didn't read that.)

Company Party

Tonight is our company party at a winery. I don't know who's brilliant idea that was but I plan to take full advantage of it. I went to a winery in Italy and my nose ran the whole time. I hope my nose doesn't run again, I hate it when it does that.

Crushed Candy Canes.

My girlfriend and I were making some Christmas treats this weekend that called for crushed candy canes. I volunteered to do it because it sounded like fun. First, I started out by leaving the candy canes wrapped up and dropping them on the counter. That did crush them but I couldn't get the pieces small enough and it was difficult to unwrap them. Next (her suggestion) I unwrapped them and put them in a plastic bag and beat on them with a rolling pin. That worked but it was noisy and the pieces made little holes in the baggie, creating a mess. After that (my idea) I put them in a blender and turned it on. It was very noisy and it resulted in what I call "candy cane sand" and "candy cane smoke." That is by far the most fun method of crushing candy. I may go into business selling little boxes of crushed candy canes. I think they would sell about 1 month out of the year.

Apple Corer?

I once sold what I thought was an apple corer to a guy. He thought it was an apple corer too, since that is what the sign said. I later found out that it was really a cake server and someone (yes, it was me) had left the wrong sign on them. Just for your information, a cake server looks nothing at all like an apple corer. I hope he figured it out. Guy, if you are reading this, sorry.

Input?

When people ask you to evaluate something and let them know what you think, do you think it would offend them if you told them that their "thing" has more flaws than communism and needs serious work? I hope not. On another note, there are light up deer on my parents street that may soon may be re-arranged into obscene arrangements. Not that I would do such a thing, I just think it will happen soon.

Projector Prank

You know those holiday projectors that people put in their yards that project pictures of Christmas related things onto their garage? I really, really want to replace the holiday picture with one that is not so "holiday-ish." One of a hot dog wearing a Santa hat would be quite entertaining.

Christmas Lights Hate Me.

So the other day I noticed half a strand of Christmas lights were out on one of the buildings. I decided that I would go out with a new strand and fix them today. It was about 20 degrees out and windy but I figured it would only take a minute to do. I was wrong. The lights were all tangled up in the garland and removing them meant removing my gloves so I could have enough dexterity. So my hands were like ice. After about 15 minutes I had that strand untangled so I started putting on the new strand. They were a bit easier to do so I was able to keep my gloves on, which was nice. I then began to notice that this new strand was about 3 feet longer than the old strand which meant I would have to overlap it to make it connect with the lights that were on the other side of the building. At this point I was so cold I didn't care so I plugged it into the next strand and guess what happened? Only half of that strand came on. Because I was already on the roof I called my Dad on the radio to bring more lights. After about 10 minutes he brought them out saying that he "couldn't find them." So now I am really, really, really cold. Again, I had to remove my gloves to untangle the lights from the other piece of garland (like it mattered, I couldn't feel my fingers anyway.) Finally, I get that strand of lights off and get the new one back on. At this point I am completely frozen and I still have to hobble my way off the roof. I get down, go inside and shiver for at least half an hour. Later on in the day I happened to take a step outside and I noticed that another strand of lights are out on the roof of another building. Yep, Christmas lights hate me.

Christmas Ornaments

I need something creative to decorate my Christmas tree with. Regular ornaments are just so boring. Last year we got in a shipment of colorful lizards in the store so I hung lizards all over the tree. Then I took them all back and we sold them all so I have no more lizards. I was thinking about decorating it with women's underwear but I don't think my girlfriend would like that (nor do I think she would like it if I used hers.) This year I was thinking about decorating it with empty Red Bull cans but I think that might look a bit tacky (although not as tacky as beer cans.) It is a small tree so I need something small-ish to hang on it. Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks.

30 Degree Drop

When I woke up this morning my thermometer read 67 degrees. The thermometer now reads 37 degrees. If I were made of glass I would break. I am glad I am not made of glass because I would have to have one of those "transparent" personalities. I know that was stupid. Just laugh.