Women and purses cause

more damage here than me on a forklift. That really is scary. 

It's 63 degrees here and

everyone is complaining that it's too cold outside. It really annoys me because it isn't that cold, so I am making fun of the people that are complaining. They probably don't enjoy that.

I just noticed that I keep

my retainers and fingernail clippers dangerously close together in the same drawer. I really should do something about that.  

To combat the swine flu

I want to have t-shirts made that say "DON'T COUGH ON ME!!!" I think it will help. Especially with three exclamation points.

Boxers and unicycling

don't go together well. Don't ask.

Soft toilet seats

freak me out. I don't know who thought that might be a good idea. Probably the same person that came up with wooden toilet seats. I don't like those either.

Dear Billie at random lab in Montana,

Thank you for the voicemail telling me that I accidentally faxed you my banking information. Your shredding it is greatly appreciated as it would be very bad if it fell into the wrong hands. Of all the other random labs I could have faxed, I’m glad it was yours.

Thank you.

Someone told me I should be a comedian

the other day. I have always thought about it but I am not a big fan of crowds. I had part of a routine once but I forgot it. I should think of a new one.

At the grocery store deli

today I saw something called "head cheese." I always thought "head cheese" was a derogatory statement used in 5th grade so I was very confused as to why it was in the deli case. It looked really disgusting so I read the ingredients. I shouldn't have. The 5th graders are right, it is probably best used as a derogatory statement. Look it up only if you have a strong stomach.

I had fresh beets

for the first time ever yesterday. I didn't mind them but the color did prove to be quite interesting.

Words that are the same

singular as they are plural bother me for some reason.

Sometime I am going to

take a day and only talk in movie quotes.

I think I writing warning labels would

be a good job for me. "HOT LIQUID -- DO NOT DUMP IN CROTCH." "DO NOT MOW APPENDAGES." "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, REMOVE PLASTIC BAG FROM HEAD." "DO NOT PUT CHILDREN IN BLENDER." "SLIPPERY FLOOR, DO NOT BREAK HIP." I would have come up with better ones but I'm tired.